How to Make Friends in 2025 (That Actually Last)
Most people don’t know how to be good friends anymore—here’s how to change that.
We’re lonelier than ever.
I hear it constantly. “I don’t feel close to anyone.” “I wish I had real community.” “I feel unknown.” And I want to share something the Lord has taught me over the past ten years about real, lasting friendships.
At the core of every deep relationship, I’ve found there are three P’s. Miss one, and the friendship often feels hollow or fragile. But when all three are present, something special forms.
Ingredient 1: Common Pain.
There’s a strange intimacy that comes from hardship. Soldiers who went to war together will still meet decades later to retell their stories—not because they loved the pain, but because pain bonded them. I’ve found the same is true with people I’ve suffered with in ministry, life, and failure. But pain alone is not enough. Pain without hope turns into bitterness. That’s why we need the second P.
Ingredient 2: Common Purpose.
Where are we going together? Some friendships die because they’re only built on hobbies. But the deepest ones are forged when you’re side-by-side chasing something eternal. Planting churches. Raising kids. Fighting for healing. Rebuilding broken things. When friends share a mission bigger than themselves, their hearts intertwine. But if purpose becomes the only driver, people become tools, and you burn each other out.
Ingredient 3: Common Pleasure.
Laughing till it hurts. Doing something just because it’s fun. I’ve watched serious friendships—built on vision and trials—get lighter and more joyful the moment we added shared delight. We need to ask: is it fun to be around each other? And yet, pleasure can’t stand alone either—it has to be grounded in something deeper. I’ve found that friends JUST built on purpose is not enough. We have to enjoy each other.
Pain. Purpose. Pleasure.
When all three are present, something beautiful grows.
If you’re lonely right now, chances are one (or more) of these are missing in your friendships. And if you’re not sure where to start, start by asking:
Which of these do I naturally bring? Which do I need more of?
Friendship isn’t instant. It’s not a match—it’s something forged.
But it’s possible.
You were made for goodness,
Phil
Great article...I didn't have many friends growing up (or in adulthood) and always wondered how friendship worked...why people became friends - and best friends in particular - and why other girls with whom I might hit it off at first never seemed to care enough to stay in touch after we parted company, e.g., after a college class ended. I'm loyal and a good listener, and I know how to keep confidences, but I don't seem to have much in common with most other women otherwise.